Friday Favourites

Not a lot has happened over the past week, things have been relatively quiet. Socially anyway. Work has been an absolute nightmare though and has been incredibly busy! I don’t have much to share by way of highlights this week because I’ve done really not much at all, partly because last weekend I was virtually couch and bed bound with a sore neck and shoulder, and partly because work has been so tiring I’ve been falling asleep really early in the evening!

Conflict resolution. This might be an odd one to highlight I know, but as a new manager I’ve not had to do any sort of conflict resolution with my staff..until this week. There was a bit of an email squabble and so I brought everyone into my office and got them to talk about it with my guidance. It actually went really well I thought, there was a lot of tension eased by doing that, so overall I was happy with it.

Afternoon tea. I caught up with one of my staff for afternoon tea and to have a bit of a one on one chat. She’s been driving me nuts lately with all her bitchiness and whining so it was a good opportunity to try and nut out why she’s acting that way, and there’s a few reasons I suspect, such as me being promoted instead of her, and unfortunately she’s just going to have to get over it cos that’s just the way it is. But nevertheless it was good to have a bit of an open chat and touch base.

Dietician. I saw my dietician for the first time in a couple of months. I’d been concerned that my eating was starting to get out of control again but she helped me see that it actually isn’t as bad as I see it in my head which is good.

Movies tonight. Soon my partner and I will be off to the movies, we’re going to see the new Divergent movie. I can’t remember the last time I went to the movies so I’m looking forward to it.

Despite a rather slow week, there are a few things I’m looking forward to over the next week like going to Monarto Zoo tomorrow, not as a volunteer but because my step-mum has been wanting to go for a while. There’s a friends 30th birthday as well and a public holiday on Monday for Anzac Day, so I’m looking forward to having a long weekend too.

Are there any highlights you would like to share?

Take care,

Jas

Advertisements

Friday Favourites

There’s quite a bit of turmoil happening in my life at the moment so I am struggling to pick some highlights for the past week, but then that was the point of these posts anyway. When I’m feeling down this makes me reflect on the good things that happened in the previous week rather than only thinking about the not so good things.

Drifting competition. My partner’s drifting competition was last Saturday and he did pretty well despite a couple of car issues. It’s a very long day but at least the weather was beautifully warm, and I took a magazine with me so I was able to read a bit when I wasn’t watching him.

Date night. I say date night, but it was actually a day that we had put aside which deliberately focussed on me and what I needed to feel loved. I wrote a list of things from which my partner got to pick two (and another two next time, and so on until I have to write a new list), and I got a massage and we played a boardgame together.

Day off. I took Wednesday off work, and feel really grateful I can just call my boss and tell him that I need to chuck a sickie to take care of some things, like this day. It was spent doing things to care for me while things are a bit down, and so I saw my psychiatrist which made me feel a lot better and more secure and validated I guess, in how I’m feeling.

I haven’t regressed. Coming out the tail-end of having an eating disorder and having some struggles at the moment, it is really challenging for me not to slide back into my old habits, but I’ve done it so far which makes me happy with my self. I seem to cry a lot more but that’s also why I booked in to see my psychiatrist, so that he could help me work through all of that.

Chat with friends. It’s funny, with what I’m going through at the moment, there have been a couple of friends who have shown a lot more care for me than the ones I had thought I was close to, who have listened with half an ear but then not seemed interested. What’s that called, the fair weather friend? Anyway, this is teaching me a lot about some friendships and I have been extremely appreciative and felt loved by those friends who have supported me this week.

I hope you are doing well, if there are any highlights you’d like to share in the comments, please feel free!

Take care,

Jas

Motivational Monday, 1 February – Storms

il_570xN.472923487_8zk9

There have been a few of these recently. Actual storms in the last week that even managed to flood the office! And of course other personal storms that have to do with my mother.

Without going into detail let me just say that we have always had a strained relationship which became even more strained a couple of years ago when she had a mental break, tried to commit suicide and was hospitalised. It was an incredibly hard time, but I learnt so much, about her, about me and I think it has changed me. It has taught me so much about boundaries in particular, some of which I need to be better about putting up, and some I need to let down a little. It has taught me about my own view of myself and my eating disorder, my relationships with other people and especially my relationship with my mother.

So yes, there have been many, many storms for me over the course of my life, and I know without a doubt that each of those has changed me in some way. For the better I hope and sometimes I think it is better, after all I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for all of those storms.

Take care,

Jas

Friday Favourites, 15 January

Another week into 2016 already, can you believe it? I hope you have all had a great week, mine has been largely uneventful and yet still really tiring.

Bulk cooking. I don’t know why this is a highlight because I don’t really like cooking that much, but I am pleased that I spent some time on Sunday whipping up a few meals for us to have during the week. I’ve done this a couple of weeks now and am finding it is so much easier coming home at night and just being able to grab a good, healthy meal out of the freezer rather than having to cook.

Beach time! Best part about summer of course is being able to soak up those lovely warm rays. Last Sunday I spent some time at the beach with a couple of girlfriends and it was so nice, relaxing and refreshing.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

New wax. Ok this might be a bit of a weird one, but I started seeing a different beauty therapist and she uses a different kinda wax on my lady bits and it is sooo much better than what I had used on me before!

Dietician. I saw my dietician yesterday and she says that I’m doing well in her opinion, I’m starting to work out what works for me in terms of my eating and what will help me control it, so that was a really positive catch up.

Potential work trip. I found out this week that I might be headed over to Sydney for a work trip at the end of August for a conference which, if happens will be great as I might be able to sneak in a catch up with my brother while I’m there, so keep your fingers crossed!

How was your week? Let me know in the comments below what highlights you have to share.

Take care,

Jas

Getting Personal – Eating disorder progress…

Progress is hard I find. Well, I think I find it hard to feel like I’m making progress even when maybe I am. I still have good days and bad days, I think that will continue for a while yet but most days I feel pretty good even when I’m not able to control when I’m eating. When I don’t feel gross or horrible about my eating, that is progress for me.

There’s a few things that have been helping with my progress, one of them is seeing a psychiatrist, one of them is seeing a dietician, and one of them is reading a book called Overcoming Bulimia Nervosa and Binge-Eating Disorder. Because I can’t see my psychiatrist and dietician every day the book is the thing I’m clinging to at the moment.

There are several steps to the book and each step has been created so that it builds on the step before it. So far I am up to Step 3.

Step 1 is to write down everything you eat, what time you eat it, where and to add context, for example “I had an argument with mum and now want to eat this block of chocolate”, that sort of thing.

Step 2 is to plan your meals and snacks each week, but the idea here isn’t to necessarily make it a healthy eating plan, more just something you know you can stick to. So if you know you’re going to crave that bar of chocolate in the afternoon, then maybe you allow yourself to have one guilt-free.

Step 3 which is all about distractions is the step that I’m up to now. I am struggling with it. I had to come up with a list of tasks that might distract me when I feel the urge to binge, and I actually wrote a couple of lists. One for when I’m just around home say, and one for when I’m at work. But I am struggling with this step in that, the other day as an example, I was craving chocolate and I used those distractions on my list but then felt massively guilty (and so wanting to binge even more!) because I did virtually no work because I was too busy distracting myself! I’m sure that’s not conducive to getting better, so I’m not really sure what to do but I’ll start with revisiting that distraction list and see if maybe there’s something else I can do to distract myself.

So I am making progress, though it is sometimes painfully slow and frustrating. And if you have any ideas about distractions I could use at work I would be open to hearing suggestions!

Take care,

Jas

Friday Favourites, 9 October

I’m coming to the party a little bit late with this one, but I just needed to take a break from computers yesterday. I’d spent the last day and a half trying to make my laptop cooperate, it was very annoying, so I just needed to not look at it for a while!

Pole class. This is the exotic pole class I’ve been doing, still having fun, but am finding sometimes we learn so much of the routine it’s hard to remember it all! I am enjoying it though, I’ve learnt so many cool floor moves and transitions, so I feel a bit more comfortable doing floor work now.

New dancing shoes! I have new Pleaser dancing shoes which I got through an online store called Spice Up Australia. They specialise in shoes that are good for pole dancers.

Farewell lunch. One of the guys at work is leaving and so we had a farewell lunch for him. It was really nice to see such a big group of people get together to say farewell. It’s a shame he’s leaving but he’s onto something he’ll enjoy a bit more.

Birthday cake order. I spoke to one of my friends and she is going to make my birthday cake for me, I’m so excited! It’s going to be a two tier circle cake with silhouettes of pole dancers on it.

Dietician. One of the things I have to do for my eating disorder is to see a dietician who can help me begin to manage and control my eating, while I’m also working with a psychiatrist to move past the issues that have caused me to use food as a coping mechanism. It was a really positive first session and I realised that when my eating is normal, I eat fairly well and fairly nutritious meals, so that made me feel a bit better.

I hope you all had a great week too, let me know in the comments if there’s anything special you’d like to share.

Take care

Jas

Getting Personal – I have an eating disorder

There, I said it. Now the whole world knows, yep, I have an eating disorder. Specifically, Binge-Eating Disorder. I struggled with this “label” as it were, for a really long time because let’s face it, Binge-Eating Disorder…it doesn’t really sound like a thing does it? But oh yes it is. It’s like the dirty cousin of Bulimia, it shares many of the same defining points, only there’s no compensatory action at the end – no vomiting, laxatives, working out at the gym like an idiot. Just eating food, and lots of it, without being able to stop yourself from doing it.

Why did I decide to blog about this? Well, there’s a few other blogs I’ve seen of women in particular who are struggling with various issues, OCD, depression and anxiety, and the strength that these women have is just amazing and inspiring. So I thought, just maybe if I could blog about my own experiences as well, perhaps it will help someone else to know that they are not alone, someone else out there knows exactly how they feel, and most importantly, that help is available.

I am only at the beginning of seeking help. A couple of years ago is around the time I think when I first starting trying to drown my emotions in food, and it helped. Like any addiction, it all seems to help at first. But then I started getting negative, self-loathing thoughts, especially as my body started changing because I was putting on weight. Part of me must have known that what I was doing wasn’t right, because I found myself starting to hide evidence of all my binges by burying rubbish underneath other rubbish already in the bin, or even hiding wrappers in my desk where my partner wouldn’t see them…and then still eating a full dinner just in case he asked why I wasn’t hungry. It was not long after I started hiding what I was doing that I thought about vomiting everything up, it just seemed like an easy solution. I thought about it, and I thought about it, and then something in my mind just clicked and I thought “I need help”.

I started with seeing my family doctor and just broke down in tears, and she prescribed me with moclobemide which is an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication and also put me in touch with a psychiatrist who is the best in the state. The medication has helped take the edge off all of my negative thinking but it is still there, I just don’t care about it as much, which is good in the sense that at least I’m not an inconsolable wreck and can still function properly at work. But at the same time makes it equally important to work with a psychiatrist to work through all those issues I have sitting in my head that are causing me to binge.

I had the first appointment with the psychiatrist a few weeks ago now. The only problem with seeing someone who is the best in the state is that it’s very hard to get an appointment with them, which I actually think has the potential to cause more harm to recovery than good. But anyway, I’m doing ok at the moment. This session, being the first one, it was mostly like an information session where I told him about my background and history and he helped me understand how it is that people may come to have eating disorders. That in itself was really interesting from a scientific perspective. Even rationally and logically you can look at it and say yep, I understand all of that, and even how to change it to get better… But actually implementing those changes…I am afraid..terrified even. What if it’s too hard and I can’t find the control within myself to do that? Well I suppose that’s one of the things I’m seeing him about, to help me establish that control over what I’m eating. It still terrifies me though.

I was actually really pleased that from the session I have tangible things to take away and work on, homework I guess you’d call it, and that makes me feel good about the session and hopeful about getting well. But it also makes me feel a bit stressed and anxious because there was quite a list of things to do, and it got me wondering how the hell I cope with that as well as things like uni and work and everything else in life!

So in case you’re interested, these are the tasks I was given from the first session:

  • Start keeping a food journal detailing time, what you’re eating, where you’re eating and what you’re thinking and feeling. This is so hard oh my gosh, whenever I binge I just want to pretend like this journal doesn’t exist so I can not write in it and therefore forget the binge happened. It’s only really been the last week or so that I have actually been detailing every single little thing accurately, so I feel like I’m making progress.
  • Read a book called Overcoming Bulimia Nervosa and Binge-Eating by Peter Cooper. I have read through near most of this book. It contains a manual for helping recovery, though it is recommended that you do this in conjunction with seeing someone like a dietician who specialises in eating disorders. So far I have worked through Step 1 and this week will be starting Step 2.
  • Write a letter to my eating disorder as a friend. You know like, hey friend you make me feel amazing. Felt a little weird but did help to put things into a weird sort of perspective.
  • Write a letter to my eating disorder as an enemy. Same sort of thing, only this one made me cry, but was also kind of cathartic.
  • A life chart detailing good and bad key events in my life and how they made me feel. This is a hard one, and one that took me a long time to complete because I kept going back to it to add more. I think this is one of the things that the psychiatrist will want to work through, like a list of issues that you keep locked away and don’t properly deal with.

Share with me in the comments below; are you recovering from an eating disorder, or have you recovered from one? Tell me a bit more about your journey.

And above all, make sure that you take care of yourself.

Jas